Tokyo: Answers soon? Maybe.

Tokyo: Still so many questions

But on the way to getting some answers. 

Recap: 

Was training for Tokyo Marathon. On an Alter G treadmill for the last few months, due to a stupidly stubborn case of plantar fasciitis. About two-ish weeks before Tokyo, did my last long run, a twenty miler. It was a glorious-Morgan-Freeman-could-have-narrated-it success. I was queen of the world phenomenal. Fast (for me). Relentless (I only whined a little).  Top of my game awesomely high on endorphins for about five minutes after I stepped off the machine.  Then, no warning,  passed out. 

Emergency room did all the blood tests, brain scans, chest x-rays.  I was fine and blood test was almost great. Almost because, hey, I'd just run twenty miles so of course certain elements were a little depleted. My primary care doctor 1,200 miles away, said I needed a checkup before I went to Tokyo. Didn't happen. Had a snowstorm instead which interfered with travel so couldn't get home to New England.

But weather was clear for Tokyo. And I couldn't not show up. Okay. could have opted out but why would I do that? Plus, I didn't have trip insurance so it wasn't like I was getting my money back if I canceled. 

Started the race and immediately felt weirdly yucky. But that's normal.  The first mile is a liar. But things didn't get better as the race continued. Took myself off the race course at mile 6 because of strange symptoms: lightheadedness and chest heaviness. 

Now: 

Still tormenting myself. Oh, the questions. Should I have stayed the course? Why did I drop out? Seriously was it really that bad? When did I become a person who calls it quits? Will I ever run again? Should I ever run again? Do I have the guts to ever run again?

Doctor says no running for now. Doctor says I did the right thing, dropping out. But what do doctors know? 

More than me. For instance, did you know that doctors think marathons are bad for you? Ugh. 

First test. Holter monitor, two weeks. Result: Some abnormal electrical stuff that according to google can kill me. Or not.  Awesome. 

Second test. Stress test: Passed with flying colors. 98th percentile for age and gender.  

And I need another test. If I pass that test, then supposedly I'm fine. But no running until after that.

So I wait while insurance messes with my life. 

Insurance and doctors don't speak the same language. Doctor orders a test to be completed within 24 hours. 'Urgent.' Insurance sees 'hours.' Thinks days. Sees 'urgent.' Thinks, "Nah."

So while I wait for that 'urgent' test to be scheduled,  I google symptoms, stress, take my mind off things by watching the news, stress, contact my elected reps and tell them to do something for crying out loud because my country's going down the tubes, stress, write this, stress. 

Are my running days over? I hope not.  I was just getting started. Because that's the thing. You can be running fifty years, like me. And maybe half those years are good years. The rest, you struggle. But you keep going through the struggle because you remember the good years and know it's just a matter of time before they return because they do. They always truly do. And that's where I was. Things were super starting to go my way. Just one short month ago I was charging like horses, slow, graying, old horses. But still. I was mighty. Unstoppable even.  And now who knows? 

Universe, if you'd like to give me a break, that would be great. It's my time to shine. C'mon. Let's do this.