(Sorry about typefaces and mashed words. Trying to fix things but nothing seems to be working. Please run cursor over blue link type to see the mangled words a little more clearly. I know this is wordy. Didn't have time to shorten it.)
This is a mashup of experiences, but is a realistic representation of a typical day working as a substitute teacher. I had to change some details for confidentiality reasons, but the essence remains intact. I've recently seen some awful things. I suspect that writing this piece is a big part of coping with what I can't -- for confidentiality reasons -- write about.
It starts at the office.
1. When the sub, especially a retired teacher with lots of advance degrees, first checks in at office, make sure to give them an assignment that differs exponentially from what they signed up for the night, week, month before. Example: If the sub signed up to work a job with 3-5 intermediate level students at a time, assign that sub to a primary classroom with at least 20 students. This is called the “bait and switch” method and not only sets the tone for the day – which is all about chaos and disrespect, it absolutely guarantees that at the end of the day this sub will delete your school from their online assignment menu and never deign to grace your hallways again. Who needs subs? Especially subs who are experienced, highly-educated retired teachers?
2. The sub will ask for a laptop so they can access the absent teacher’s lesson plans. Craft your response so that the sub correctly infers that their very presence is a waste of your time. First, minimize their decades of education experience by saying something like, “Do you really think that’s necessary?” Then, when the sub politely responds that yes, it IS necessary, remember to act like you’re doing them the biggest favor ever as you hand over one of the dozen laptops at your school that are specifically designated for sub use. This interaction will make the sub ask themselves, “Why do I even bother?”
3. Make sure to provide the sub with no emergency plans, no school map, no school schedule. When the sub adamantly asks for that info, roll your eyes, sigh the sigh of the great martyrs and say, “I’m sure the teacher left that information for you on their desk.” Or alternately – works best if you’re snippy and dismissive -- “Ask one of the teachers near the room about that.”
Next is the role of the classroom teacher, and of course the office, yet again.
4. Leave no class roster. This is an important step in creating just the right recipe for a disastrous day. When the sub calls the office – the nerve, doesn’t this person know we’re busy? -- tell them to come to the office for the roster. It’s only three corridors and two flights of stairs away, after all. Plus, the students don’t arrive for at least another five minutes. Who needs time to familiarize themselves with a new classroom/building anyway?
Make sure the roster is out of date, which the sub will only realize when they start taking attendance and learn that half the kids on the list have moved out of district and the other half arrived at the school four months ago but were never added to the class roster because that’s not important. This additional chaos will force the sub into the initial stages of a stress fugue state, which is always fun for them.
5. Speaking of fun. . . Violating federal and state education laws regarding equity and accessibility is hilarious, so make sure to leave no IEP/ 504 information. If you’re lucky, your sub, if they are seasoned professionals, will lose their minds over this as they realize that the school is completely out of compliance/ violating students’ rights. Guaranteed that the sub will ask neighboring grade level teachers how to access this info. Make sure that teachers are trained to shrug and stare at the sub vacantly. Responding in this manner -- “Classroom teachers don’t need to know those things.”—will practically guarantee that the sub will have a massive panic attack. Those are fun. Note: Be prepared. The sub will later report your school for these violations.
6. Office, when absent teacher finally emails lesson plans, (which they of course shouldn’t have to do and wouldn’t have to do if: they’d left an emergency sub folder, or if other teachers stepped up to help, or how about admin actually gets their hands dirty for a change?), forward them to teacher just as students arrive. This ensures that sub has no chance to review plans. Remember: It’s all about the chaos. Reminder: DO NOT provide info on classroom/ school routines, student pull-out schedules, allergies, dismissal plans, aides, etc. So boring. Subs love flying by the seat of their pants, especially retired educators who understand deeply just how profoundly these things affect everything about the school day.
7. If you really want to mess with a retired teacher who is subbing, the trend now is to leave a slideshow. Follow that trend! Make the slides really pretty. Use lots of decorative images, cartoon characters, colors, catchphrases! Style over substance! Always! Make sure it takes longer to make the slide than it takes for the student to complete the actual work on the slide. Who needs rigor anyhow, right? Bonus points if you leave no instructions on working the technology to show these slides. No school buildings use the same tech after all, and subs thrive on the added stress of trying to figure out how to use new technology at the same time they are trying to teach and manage in a classroom with students they’ve never met before.
8. And remember that sometimes technology doesn’t work. This is why it’s important to leave NO alternatives, like work using books, papers, pencils. Subs get paid SO much! Make them sweat for those big bucks!
9. Do NOT leave quiet, independent student work (absolutely a best practice) or teacher manuals with structured lessons that an experienced teacher will have no problem using. You know what kind of work is fun to leave for subs? No work! Make the first fifteen minutes of the day free time and write explicitly that students are allowed to get out of their seat, wander the classroom. Next, do parlor games! Yes! Musical chairs! Seven up! Sure, research shows that the first few hours of the school day are absolutely the best times for young minds to accept and process information, but what do researchers know? Free time! Yes! Parlor games!!! Yes! Academics the first ninety minutes of the day? NO!!!
10. For the rest of the day, sprinkle in a whole bunch of awfulness. High stakes math tests with problems the kids have not yet been introduced to are awesome ways to frustrate little minds. They’ve just spent the morning playing games so if they get stressed now, oh well. Maybe have the sub spend fifteen minutes introducing and expecting the kids to master a sweeping topic that the sub knows from experience takes at least a month to understand. The frustration is palpable. So juicy!
At this point, the sub’s blood pressure will be off the charts. They’re exhausted. Angry. They’ll likely be crying inside as they try to squelch their sadness over the state of education today, and try to block memories of heady times when they loved teaching this and other topics using rich texts, like Newbury Medal books, lots of cooperative group learning, multiple intelligences/ differentiation to excite and enhance student understanding, inform kids’ decision-making, help them grow into decent humans who would make the world a better place.
When the day is done, the sub will write a scathing tome -- filled with indignation and self-righteous anger -- on the substitute review platform, and will contact appropriate authorities to report certain violations. Don't worry. Nobody will read these things. Nothing will change.
The sub will look up state statistics on your school and will look for trends particularly in the staff retention category. Upon finding exactly what they expected to find, rates that are in the toilet, the sub will feel some sadness, remembering times in their own career when they worked at places that thrived on chaos, disrespect, and that also -- of course -- struggled with staff retention. Big whoop. It's not like kids need stability or anything.
The sadness will be short-lived as it dawns on the sub that, for them at least, those days are done. Retirement has its perks. They’re no longer trapped in a toxic place and time. The next day the sub will sleep late, then might stay in pajamas all day or get dressed and hit the gym. The sub might lounge around, watch movies, read books, go for brisk walks, bask in the bright, winter sunlight.
The sub will take time to rethink how to live life. Maybe they’ll sub again. Maybe they won’t. Sure, schools lose out when they don't have subs and already exhausted teachers have to temporarily take additional students into their classrooms. But in the end, the retired teacher sub has to do what's right for them. It’s their choice now. They know their worth and they know that, finally, they no longer have to settle for chaos, disrepect. The sub will be filled with gratitude. They know they can move on. And they do.
"If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." (Anne Lamott)
